Cub #2

Yes, it's been a while... ironically, the more there is to talk about, the less time there is to talk!

Since my last update, my friend Matt has gotten married to Genna. (The last of my "single" friends is now married) . Now there are babies everywhere! One friend's baby was born this morning (a little girl). There are ~nine more on the way! They are due in July, September, twins in October, our next baby at the end of October, two in November, December, and January. (we can't reliably count them further out than ~9 months) There are other's too!

This next week, I'm going on an exploration / camping trip. I'll be returning to some vertical caves (with more rope than last time). It will be exciting to see if they open into a caves system or not (the odds are against it)

note

I was having trouble connecting to this site in order to update my blog for about a month... and I've been busy before and after that!.. Of course I was busy generating more things to write about and getting more photos to post.

The web problem turned out to be issues with account settings and how they related to the DSL modem. It was a long path to find that solution!

The Gauntlet

My friend is getting married in a couple of weeks. Naturally, a group of his friends had to pull him away for a weekend in order to test his mettle. To insure his fortitude as a man in the face of adversity... Our goal was to ensure the success of his marriage by proving his strength against challenges he might encounter later in married life. We want to know that his wife will be well cared for. (It is a little known fact that a bachelor party is really to benefit the bride... not the groom. {has anyone noticed that the groom... not the bride... has to endure heinous misery and exposure of weakness during one of these events. How could that be confused with fun?})

The bachelor party that I attended this last weekend was no exception. Josh was required to hunt big game (he must be able to feed his family), Defend himself in a time of war (Life, Liberty, Property), Build a functioning shower from a box of junk (sow's ear to a silk purse / cleanliness is next to...), Demonstrate a thorough knowledge of important facts about his bride-to-be, and recognize subtle changes in her appearance without outside assistance. When he failed, he was forced to endure brutal tauntings and push-ups in the freezing ocean surf. (during a pacific storm in almost total darkness)
Finally, he had to face each of his friends in hand to hand combat and defeat them in "The Gauntlet" before he was able to claim the "Red Hot Flaming Love Pepper"... a symbol of his triumphant masculinity (and also helpful in keeping mosquitos away)

Frozen Lemonade

Here's my lemon tree this morning. It was about 30 degrees (F) when I left. My friend who lives nearby kindly spared me from riding my motorcycle to work... Thank You.

Notice that the tree is covered in blossoms and even has maturing fruit on it. I'm not sure if it has noticed that it is in Oregon yet. I'm hoping that it does ok in the cold... last winter it faired pretty well.

Citrus trees, as I understand, are the only type of tree that can have every stage of fruit on it at one time.

Dinner

Maybe I'm naive, but I was pretty impressed with my dinner other night... impressed enough that I thought it should go down in history. It is important to note that I am not taking credit for this piece of artwork. The Lioness made the whole thing (even the bread). I would recommend a home-made BLTC to anyone.

Our Girl's First Autumn

It's been a while since I've added a photo of our little girl. This seemed like the right time though. I just took this photo less than an hour ago.

The Lioness and I enjoyed getting pumpkins together last year at a local farm. We went to another farm even closer to our house this time... so we could start this family tradition.

One of the nice things about our area is that during fall time we can go to farms (within 6 miles) to get our pumpkins and during christmas, we can go to local tree farms (within 15 miles) to pick out and cut our own christmas tree.

Our little cub thought that the pumpkins were lots of fun... she of course was pretty intent on tasting one before we left. I think she succeeded when we had her posing next a big yellow bumpy pumpkin that was about 2 or 3 times her size. Poor Lucy (our dog) was stuck in the car while we wandered the pumpkin patch. In a perfect world (where rabbits and chickens didn't get to vote on it's perfection), Lucy would have been able to explore the pumpkin patch with us and chase any small animals that she could find.

A wind in my hair week: Part II

... continued.

4) My wife's birthday is just a couple of days before mine. Normally we celebrate them together... but I suspected that wasn't going to work well this year. So I put together a couple of gifts for her and took her out for dinner. (this is becoming an expensive month as you will see) We had a wonderful time and a nice restaurant near our town that I knew she had wanted to visit. She also liked her gift... I bought her a gift certificate for an experience rather than a thing.

As it turns out: 5) my birthday was last Saturday. I turned 30. (suddenly I miss having a reliable 2 in my age). She had opted to give me an experience for my birthday too.

I knew no information about what she had planned... except I know her well enough that I knew there was a plan.
On my birthday, we woke up early (the baby wakes us up) and wandered over to the airport to see a bunch of hot airballoons take off together. And then had breakfast at some friends' house this is on the taxiway at the airport. A little later, my wife, my friend (who mysteriously showed up) drove up the highway and out into country. I noticed we were following the "grape stomping" festival signs... part of me was a little worried... "happy birthday... take off your shoes!" When they were confused about where we were going... everything came clear in a moment. My friend in the back seat suddenly said "I don't think we need the map any more". I looked up to see 4 parachutes sinking behind the trees ahead of us. That's what I was going to do!
It's a place called "Skydive Oregon". Well... I'm sure you all know about skydiving... pretty standard stuff. a) sign 7 pgs front/back of "Neither I nor my cousin's aunt's neighbor's parakeet will sue you when I die." b) sit through a 3 min how-to-not-die presentation. c) Put on the funny looking jump suit and beany helmet. d) Tell my wife that she should remarry if I don't make it, and to forgive herself since it was her idea. e) cram into a plane with 12 really strange people. f) fly to ~2 miles straight up. g) be strapped to some stranger who hopefully doesn't want to die either. h) fall out of a plane 1/2 way through the ride. Strangely, I wasn't afraid. I wasn't scared... but it was windy. We fell for about a minute... the earth got significantly closer during that short time. Then straps around my legs went tight (I'm so glad they were on correctly) and everything went quiet. What a cool experience to be floating slowly in silence so far up in the air. The guy I jumped with (Justin) handed me the control cords (for lack of a formal term) and let me fly for a while... very cool. The only time I felt like I was really falling fast was the last 50 feet or so... yikes! We're falling! However, I performed a picturesque landing on my butt... with good coaching of course. But wait there's more! After the "jump" I was met by a good friend that I don't get to see often enough. My wife had arranged for him to meet us.
How's that for a cool birthday? Well, back to real life...
That evening, I headed over to some friend's house to help work on their pool... it seems the "liner and slipped." Not a good thing. It's a good thing there are friends like me that are willing show up (on his birthday) to help out..... by being surprised by a birthday luau party. My wife had sent out invitations to everyone in the area that I know. She got help from several people, and put together an awesome party! I was completely taken off guard! I wasn't expecting it at all. We partied late into the evening. That was a pretty dang cool birthday!

Sunday, I got up and made it to worship practice at 9am and lead worship for the morning service. The band really played well together (a wonderful experience) and it felt like God met us that morning. It is exciting when God shows up... because it's an element that organization or musicianship cannot manipulate. God does what God wills.

I had to leave out of lot of cool things to make this as short as it is!

So now I'm back to work... doing my current job, and my old job. And I've got to be a presenter in front of a legislative commission next week. I like speaking to groups, but this is still something new to me. I'm a little nervous about it. I guess I feel like the stakes could be pretty high not only for me as an individual, but also for my office and my boss. I really want it to come off right... but it's been hard to shake the "you are a loser" feelings today. (there's a lesson for you... really awesome birthdays with lots of people showing that they care does not make you immune to feeling like a loser.)

Other items for the record: (this is not for entertainment purposes.. so don't try to be entertained by this part)
I'm working towards establishing a Thursday evening worship time. (I expect to help it grow over the next couple of months maybe)
The Lioness and I spent last night and all day today at a regional conference for the leadership people in our denomination. (I'm still pretty new to the organizational dimension of christianity) It was a pretty good thing. (I had to leave for a while to attend a meeting at work though)

All right. That seems like a sufficiently extended telling of this recent season! (if you find this part entertaining... That's ok. Though I might not trust your movie recommendations in the future if you consider this part entertainment)

A wind in my hair week: Part I

Ok. Here's how it goes.
1) My coworker gives her two week notice. The first of the two weeks, She (and most of the Building) is gone for a conference in Portland with VIPs from across the country. I spent the week holding down the fort so to speak.
I take 1/2 of that Friday off in order to get ready for a weekend men's retreat with a bunch of guys from my church. (think ~400 guys at a huge camp in a beautiful forest)
2) I and my group of guys show up late-ish on Friday evening. Dinner. Worship. 1st session. The speaker is Phil Downer. He's a great communicator... pretty direct. Six guys sleep in a tent together... it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. We all walked into that situation knowing that about 50% of the inhabitants snore loud enough that we wouldn't be hearing the generators that the old guys use to stay warm in their RVs at night. (If you're one of the old guys and happen to read this... I'm talking about the other old guys... not you)
Over all, it was a pretty good weekend. Lots of quick meetings with guys that I'm trying to plan things with, but never see... and a few good conversations with guys in other churches that I've missed... Like Happy the logger (yes, that's his real name).
I stopped by the prayer tent for the first time. I didn't have a specific agenda... I just wanted to see what God might say. I wandered up to the tent after hearing a friend tell me about a pretty exciting experience there (it is now ~10:45pm)... there's a line. When I finally get to the front, I sit down in a chair in front of three other guys. The middle was asks, "what's your name". After I told them my name they just stopped and waited to see what God might say. When they did speak, they all spoke out things that I'd felt pretty clearly. It was a good time of confirmation.
I really can't do justice to the "retreat" experience here... so I'll just move on.
It was wonderful to get home to my wife (who doesn't snore) and my little girl (who snores a little but at 4 months... everything is cute).
3) I spend Monday and Tuesday trying to learn everything from my coworker about how she had changed things since I had been in that position. On Tuesday, I gave her a hug and said good bye. Now, I'm on my own in the office. I will be for at least another month.

Rest

I speak of rest because it is one that God has been reminding me about recently. Of course, the reason (as is usually the reason for God telling someone something) is that because I don't have enough of it in my life.
There's a guy. His name Graham Cooke. He wrote a really chunky book called "Divine Confrontation"... I couldn't read it the first time I tried. There was too much to absorb.... too much to process. Either way, the Lioness and I went to hear him speak since he happened to be speaking at a conference less than an hour away from our house. He talked about how God told him to rest and that he's been intensely productive since then. (well, he wrote several chunky books I guess)
I've been trying rest a little more during the everyday. hey, I'm not using my legs right now... why are they tense? "relax legs... give it a break". It leaves me wondering how much energy and effort I spend every day, or even every minute on sub-conscious things that don't benefit me at all. I clench my teeth a lot I know.
There's lots happening, I won't try to do it justice. The baby is wonderful and doing wonderful things. The Lioness just got the coffee machine ready to make coffee for me to take to work in the morning... its those sorts of thoughtful things that tell me that she loves me for real. Now I need to go do a million other things before I go to sleep.... like.. wash the car... and build a fence... and play a computer game... no.. no.. not really.

Kids

One of the most frequent comments I hear as a new parent goes something like "Enjoy every moment... they grow up before you know it!". Just as all parts of life, it seems that every day passes more quickly than the last. I wonder if my perception is tied to a fast-paced world that spinning faster... or if its only the microcosm that I live in. Regardless, experience rings true to the comments that people offer. They do grow up quickly. I remember the shock when I realized that my daughter was 6 hrs old already... it seemed like she had just been born!... now I think back at how she really had just been born. In a short while, I will look back at my today and how she was still brand new.
The perception of time is subject to comparison.
I don't feel young, but my parents and grandparents still see me as a kid full of potential. Of course, God looks at each of us no matter what our age is and sees us all as "kids". What's the difference between 15 years old and 83 years young when all of time is laid out before you. We're all people. We all do people things. The 15 year olds and 83 year olds struggle with a lot of the same things... struggling with insecurity, yearning for love, frustrated by what is just out of reach, asking "is it ever ok to tell a lie?"
Yeah, it all goes quickly... at least this part of it seems to. I sure hope that when it's all over that I can look back and see value in what I've done. I hope Allana has known love. I hope God will see me as his kid, and let me hang around.

Bonfire

In 35 minutes I will not be arriving at the "Bonfire of the Lifeguards". It was postponed, due to rain... I guess lifeguards don't like getting wet - go figure. My friend has the ability to put together "events" like almost nobody else. He worked with the best man at my wedding to put together the coolest bachelor party I'd ever been to (my own). Now he works at a pool and decided to put together a bonfire for his co-workers. (There usually seems to be a bonfire every summer) They usually involve eating food with unusual names like "Bunyan Burgers", or disarmingly normal names like "orange cake". He usually puts together some goofy skits that he enlists different people to help with..... everyone that attends has some secret to keep from everyone else. I think he thrives on these events. At times he'll take his show on the road. He's ridden across the United States on his bike... with his dog Cyclops. He and Cyclops also circumnavigated France one summer. He always brings back stories about people he meets and strange places that he makes camp. Though, he doesn't spend much time online he has a web presence on other people's blogs... it seems I'm not the first to blog about him. ( Here a family tells about their encouter with him in Oregon http://www.imagesales.com/Welcome/People/Paul/SFtoSeattle/BikeTrip2000index.html?Day10.html)

In other news, the Lioness and I spent the weekend on the coast with some friends (Their family has a condomium in the bay there) . It was a wonderful place to be... watching the boats come and go. We had a nice dinner Friday evening, and spent Saturday shopping at an outlet mall and laying on the beach.

I hope to go back to free dive (or SCUBA) there. I went hunting there along the jetty once... but visibility to was so bad that I couldn't see the tip of my speargun. Another time, I went SCUBA diving under a research ship's dock in the harbor... It was a pretty tame dive (my first in the local cold water). Had I known that we could get crabs we would have picked some up... it was amazing to see them running in all directions on the bottom of the ocean.

Taking the long way home

The Lioness and I had to drive thru Albany to get home (~40 extra miles). A guy was threateningto jump of the Marion St Bridge in Salem. (He was there for at least 5 hrs) He hada noose tied around his neck and to the bridge. The Center St. bridge,right next to the Marion St Bridge, had a car wreck. Both were pretty much shut down. Normally we'd just take River Rd. home, but two different tractor-trailershad shut down River road by Jack knifing and the other getting stuck under a rail overpass. The Ferry (4 cars at a time) had its hours extended. I heardof one person taking 3 hrs to travel about 10 miles.
We showed up a little late for a get-together at the Pastor's house. A lot of people were there. Though I was pretty tired going into it, I had a goodtime (and a productive time). We didn't leave until ~10pm. The Lioness got to carry Allana around so they could meet her. I got to talk music with a few different people. It was a good evening. AND I ended up NOT having to work tomorrow... Politics is taking a weekend off.(I suspect it has to do with the birth a grandchild.... for the Speaker of the House)

My little girl

Okay, here's another. Here she is in her going home out fit... We really looked hard to find something small enough to fit (it was premie size)... but as you see, it was still pretty huge on her.

Here she is next to our friends thumb (for size comparison)... this is a "mostly" average size thumb. Hey! stop looking at the thumb... look at the little girl... she is so adorable! Who in their right mind let that thumb get so close to her!? (thankyou D for posing for the photo)

quick note

Life has been anything but normal since our little girl was born. She is cute (that is her most distinguishing quality), and she does a great job of what she does. She sleeps... wow. And she eats... Wow. And she goes poo... WOW! She does each of these things well. (I'm sure she's ahead of schedule for most babies ;-) ) Oh yes, she also cries sometimes... Her sincere cries are cute and heart wrenching at the same time. When she REALLY means it her little jaw quivers.
She makes cooing noises, and looks around (she's still learning how to use her eyes). I think my personal favorite is listening to her breathe her quick little breaths. It is scary to have a person that is so utterly incapable of anything so completely depending on the Lioness and I. (The Lioness is carrying the bulk of the responsibility... since suprisingly, my milk still hasn't come in :-) ... don't bother waiting around)
Though I doubt that life will ever be the same, I hope to contribute more regularly here as we settle into our new way of life.

What labor?

Part IV: Allana Joy

Here’s our situation: Heidi’s in the Jacuzzi trying to rest… she is completely spent. We have a baby that’s turned posterior. Heidi is off Pitocin and off the fetal monitor against the Dr’s request. She can’t go back, but doesn’t seem to have enough energy to continue.
While Heidi and I were alone, Nurse Darlene called the company that manufactured the fetal monitor. She discovered that using a “telemetry unit” (think wireless network for a fetal monitor) she could put the monitor on Heidi while she was in the Jacuzzi so we could honor the Dr’s recommendation and still stay in the tub. We could also put Heidi back on Pitocin, but allow her to labor in the Jacuzzi which would help lighten the labor, and possible ease some pain. She might also be able to rest better between contractions. This seemed like our best bet… since we couldn’t go back. We’d long since passed the point of no return.
Somewhere near this point, I stepped out to the waiting room to explain to our family and a few friends what was happening. (Later, I learned that Darlene had been giving them regular updates, and had helped out a great deal). It was hard to keep all that I was feeling in check as I explained where we were at. How tired Heidi was, that we were trying to compromise to accommodate the doctor’s recommendation. I was probably more tired than I realized. I asked them to pray. (They immediately called people all over the state to pray with us too). I went back to be with my girl.
As I explained the situation to Heidi, she said one of the most amazing things I’ve ever heard her say… especially when I could see the change that came over her as she said it. She looked at Amy & I and said “I’ll do whatever you ask me to do.” As she said that I felt her turn over her entire being, body, and soul to us. She let go of everything. I also saw, that she relaxed almost immediately. She didn’t gain more energy. She just was somehow able to release all that she had left inside.

We had to turn the baby. A posterior baby meant extra difficult labor… and we’d already had enough of that. It had to change if Heidi was going to make it through.
Amy had said what we need to do… but knew that Heidi would never do it. But this wasn’t a normal day. Nothing was normal today.
Heidi started by going through a series of position changes in the Jacuzzi, changing position with each contraction (or 2). Next she did was seemed impossible. We helped her out of the tub (she’s still wired to a fetal monitor and has multiple IV drips/ pumps tied to her) we take her outside the bathroom floor and put her face down on the floor. She helps us lift her legs up on to a “birthing ball” (think super-duty beach ball). With her face on her arms in a kind of “wheel barrow” position Amy begins to swing Heidi’s body back and forth on the ball. (Amy is holding Heidi’s legs up high, Heidi’s hips are on the ball) The hope is that using gravity to let the baby slide “up”, and then using other positions between times in the wheel barrow position, we might roll the baby over into the correct position. Heidi says 3 times is all she can do. She does 4 with a little coaxing from Amy. I felt after the 4th time that whatever needed to happen had happened. It was time to move on. ( As it turned out the baby had rolled over just as it needed to… but we couldn’t know that for sure at the time)
Heidi went back into the Jacuzzi and continued to move through positions with contractions. But after a short time she says “I think I’m having the urge to push” (good news! That’s her body’s signal that she is getting very close!!)
Nurse Darlene offers a choice, 1) continue in Jacuzzi and let Dr Peterson check for progress in a while. Or 2) She can check for progress right now. Heidi wants to know right now. (Amy, very cautious about what we might discover reminds Heidi that if she isn’t dilated as much as she hopes, the dilation is a poor measure of progress)
Heidi is at 9cms! She is totally exhausted, but for the first time in days she can see hope. Maybe there really is a baby, maybe this will happen after all. Nurse Darlene tells Heidi that she can push a little… but only very gentle pushes. Heidi is happy to oblige.
After a short time we move to a supported squat on the bed. (make the bed shaped like a chair with a shelf at the bottom. I sit behind her and she leans back against me in a squatting position.) Nurse Darlene says she things Heidi looks like a Buddha Goddess. As she sits peacefully beneath the spotlights that were just turned on and pointed at her. Heidi continues to make gentle pushes with each contraction… things have moved from despairingly slow to incredibly quick! With a contraction we hear a ripping popping sound… Heidi’s water finally broke. Only a little comes out, the baby is blocking it in. Amy gets mineral oil to help massage Heidi to reduce the chance of a severe tear. Almost immediately, she announces that she’s felt the baby’s head. Heidi is further along than anyone expected. Nurse Darlene warns that we’re probably about an hour away at this point… she’ll call the doctor when we progress just a little more. Amy insists that the baby is moving noticeably with each contraction. (I’m torn in two. I want to support Heidi right where I’m at… but I want to feel my baby!!!). After another contraction, Amy and I switch positions. I can see my baby’s head! I can feel my baby’s head!
Nurse Darlene takes a look… and runs for the phone. This baby is coming much faster than she expected. Heidi keeps her gentle pushes. Nurse Darlene makes an emergency call for a doctor (her first call to have Dr Peterson come seemed to go unnoticed) Instantly 5 people burst through the door. Everyone is talking at once. “What’s wrong!” “Nothing, I just called for Dr Peterson and nobody responded! Everything is alright.”
I’m watching my baby being born. The baby’s head comes out… purplish pink. I can’t see the face. The head is compressed into such a long shape that I’m instantly worried for her, though her coloring doesn’t seem too bad. (considering what she’s doing right now. I honestly saw images from the first “Alien” movie when I saw the shape of the head. )
Two hands in blue gloves reach past me. “I’m just going to help get the shoulder out.” I’m horrified that this person just grabbed my baby’s head and is twisting and pulling!!! (I don’t even know if it’s a boy or a girl, but obviously they’ll be paralyzed!!! It was difficult to hold my tongue) With a final push, (Heidi is being encouraged to push for real now!) our baby almost pours out. As the baby comes out, in the instant before it touches the bed, I see that we have a baby girl.
There’s a ½ second pause. I’m alone with my new little girl. She’s mine. I’m someone’s daddy. Its just the two of us.

She eases into a soggy cry. Arms come from everywhere. She’s wrapped up and moved toward Heidi. I’m lost in the crowd.

What an answer to prayer. She seems healthy (she’s still crying)… her whole body turns almost fluorescent pink when she cries. Heidi has her little girl on her chest. Nurse Darlene does a physical of the baby so fast that we didn’t realize it even happened until she mentions it an hour later. Someone tells all the nurses “don’t clamp the cord, they’ve requested that it stop pulsing first.” I move through the people to see my little girl on Heidi’s chest. Heidi is so tired… but now she’s alive. All her color is back. She’s awake. She’s smiling. She just ran the longest race… and won.
Someone asks permission to clamp the cord… “it’s stopped pulsing now.” “yes, that’s fine”. Moments later I’m directed to cut the cord…. The symbolic separation of child from mother. The final disconnect from the comfort of the womb. That’s my job I guess.
Heidi gazing at her little girl. The nurses have towels around the cord (now white as the blood has returned to the baby). Someone hands me surgical scissors and points to the area between the clamps. Someone warns me, “it’s pretty tough.” I’ve done a lot of dissections, I have a sense of what tissue like that might feel like. It is tough. I cut slowly for Heidi’s sister who is taking photos. More than anything, I just want to be holding my little girl with Heidi… I feel hints of envy. Heidi is bonding so deeply with the baby. This is what is supposed to happen. It’s exactly what we wanted. I want to bond too. (Later I got to spend a lot of time with her. It was (and is) wonderful to walk around with my little girl. I think I’m going to like her.
Somewhere in the middle of the confusion, Dr Peterson arrives. She’s not happy. Nurse Darlene asks “What do you need doctor?” “I need to be called on time!” I suspect that Dr Peterson thought that she was called late on purpose. She probably also believed that Nurse Darlene was responsible for our choice to not follow her directions. Heidi and I were only dimly aware of these things in the background. There was one thing that eclipsed everything else.
“What is her name” “She is Allana Joy. A-l-l-a-n-a.”

Heidi experiencing final pushing contractions after days of no sleep.

Part III: Allana Joy

Nurse Kathleen starts Pitocin ~7pm. Brenda is New nurse for shift (Previously worked with Heidi in ICU) Heidi is now tied to the External Fetal Monitor. (two belts around her middle… one has a Doppler system for monitoring the baby’s heart rate. The other has a glorified button that measures her abdominal tension and thus roughly measures her contractions.) From this point on, it seemed that every single time, Heidi had a moment to rest… instantly someone was there trying to adjust the monitor. At times it felt like cruel and unusual punishment. A case where the cure just compounded the problem. ( I can’t fault the nurses… they were caring, and careful… but tied to rules. )

Contractions pick up quickly with Pitocin & and they become much more intense.
Dr Peterson told the nurses to titrate (increase dose) slowly… make changes on the hour at the most. (thank you).

*Our memory got fuzzy for a while here. It was intense, it was grueling, we were very tired. Heidi hoped to deliver on this shift with Brenda.

Heidi gets totally worn out: crisis #1. Dr Peterson says we need to either back off, or go much faster to get through… Heidi is wearing out. ~Midnight – 1:30am, Pitocin is backed way down so Heidi could rest. (She couldn’t do more… and they might have lead to a c-section) She actually dozed off for over an hour.

~3:30am Nurse Dawn took over ‘till 7am. Updated Dr. Peterson when she arrived for morning rounds. ~6:45am the Nurse expressed concerns about fetal heart decelerations (patterns where the babies hard slows over a period of time) Dr. Peterson did not consider them to be serious. (Thank you. Fetal heart decelerations are what doctors point at when they express the need to perform an emergent c-section)

Heidi was dilated to 4cm. (As I recall this was not taken as super-good news. It had been a long rough night and 2 cm more seemed like a paltry reward.)

7am, Thursday, May 19th Nurse Darlene comes on. She introduces herself and explains that she usually cares for patients that are doing natural childbirth. She is very encouraging. She says “I won’t talk about drugs, and I won’t talk about pain. It’s not because I don’t care.” She calls contractions “surges”… they are good. She says “We are going to have this baby today”. Darlene was very encouraging.

10am Contractions are becoming considerably stronger & close together. Heidi is questioning if this is the transition phase. (Transition is a difficult time in labor when contractions become extremely intense. The body is transitioning between “opening the door” of the cervix to pushing the baby out.)
Heidi is very uncomfortable. Darlene says “maybe we’ll have a lunchtime baby”

~2-3pm Heidi reached major crisis point. She is utterly exhausted and contractions are very strong. Quick ultrasound (portable, roll-in machine) by Dr. Peterson shows the baby is facing posterior… no wonder contractions are so back and both in Pelvis & Back! (Posterior: the baby is head down… but face is forward. This position means that intense labor does little to progress toward delivery)
Heidi feels she cannot tolerate this any longer – ranting she will do whatever it takes to be done… even an epidural, c-section. She is not coping at this point. This was a difficult time for both of us. I looked into Heidi’s eyes, but I couldn’t see my wife any more… she was gone. I was looking at a shell. Her skin was pasty, her eyes were dark and sunken. I felt like the decisions that were being made no-longer were about our desire for a natural birth… but about getting her through this alive… and getting our baby through this alive.
I knew Heidi couldn’t continue. Once again the choice was either medical interventions (she was tired enough that an epidural might not have helped her push any better. She didn’t have any margin, that would have meant a c-section surgery.) We decided that no-matter what we chose, it would start with letting her rest. Nurse Darlene called Dr. Peterson requesting to turn off Pitocin for a while so Heidi could rest and regroup. Dr Peterson said that it was NOT her recommendation. (She felt that Heidi was too tired and stopping would only prolong the situation and tire her even more).
We chose to take a break anyway. We asked the nurse to stop the Pitocin drip. We removed the monitor and put Heidi in the Jacuzzi. We turned out the lights and shooed everyone out of the room. I sat next to her on the bathroom floor. She was instantly asleep [not quite normal sleep. She would have responded if talked to.. but I don’t think she was really conscious either]. (She had been awake and dreaming between contractions already… she was no longer functioning at this point)
This was the first time since we started that I allowed my feelings to come to the surface. I sobbed on the edge of the tub in the dark. Heidi was asleep. Nobody else was around. This wasn’t what we had planned. I knew that delivering a baby would be tough… but this was like nothing I’d ever heard about… and it was nothing like what we planned. Here is my wife. The person that God has brought to me to complete what He made me to be… She has worked harder and endured more than anyone I’d ever known. I couldn’t fix anything. I couldn’t take her pain away. My only real choice was to tell her to keep going. To keep doing what she had been. To continue to endure more than she already had. I couldn’t tell her when it would be over, just that it would be… sometime. It didn’t seem fair to her. It was love, but not the way that I wanted love to feel. We were both very discouraged. I prayed a lot during these moments.
After about 15 minutes, Nurse Darlene comes in and I step out to talk to her. She’s been doing research and has found a possible compromise.